How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
