Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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