just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
