A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
