he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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