I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
