I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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