Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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