wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
