Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Randomize