it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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