does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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