...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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