Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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