I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
