I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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