Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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