Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
