The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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