Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
