dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
