i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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