Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize