I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
