They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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