come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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