well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
