There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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