Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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