you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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