I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
