P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
