She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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