he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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