NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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