You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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