i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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