And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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