how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
