you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
3pm strippers are depressing
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
tell me about the eggs
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
