my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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