How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The uberlube is also flammable
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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