My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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