we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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