How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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