I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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