I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Hippo gnu deer
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
