so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
