please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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