I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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