Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
