I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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