her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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