Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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