Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
