I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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