Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
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