I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
