Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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