she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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