i think i have two assholes
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
