My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
