after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
