we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
