I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
