Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
