can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
