I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
