What did we do last night that was yellow?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
farters have to be the big spoon...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
