my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
