Michael Bay diarrhea
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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