i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
